When I remember
by Elves of the Moon
Summary: My version of the death of Ian Rider... Chapter 2 up! Ian's POV this time.
1. Chapter 1

AN: Well this is a gift-fic for one of my best friends, and my partner in crime (Although she does most of the writing for Freezing Fire...) Seeing today is her birthday, I thought I'd post it now. A perfect opportunity not…? Yes, I also thought so… So, Lhune-sama, this one is for you! And once again, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! Have fun with it!!

**When I remember**

**By: Kana**

Chapter one: 

The darkness is slowly fading. A soft sound reaches his ears. It are voices. Soft whispered words he can't understand although the language is familiar. What is going on? Where is he? Who is talking?

He is slowly waking, yet it feels as if every nerve in his body is on alert. There are people in the room and he has not heard them come in. He doesn't know why it worries him. He only knows it does. Come to think of it, that seems to be the only thing he really knows at that moment. His brain seems empty. It is as if he is just born. As if he hasn't learned a thing yet. However there are things that feel natural. Things he somehow knows. Or has known… is supposed to know…

Trying to open his eyes, he feels a pain wave shoot through his body. Nothing is as it should be. He doesn't know… There are so many things in his head that somehow fit in there. But where do they come from? And what is it? The constant bugging in his mind. Something that warns him. But for what?

"Hush… Take it slowly your body will soon start to respond again. Try not to move for a couple of minutes."

It is a soft, gentle voice that enters the blackness. For reasons he doesn't know, the face of a red haired woman passes his thoughts.

"You'll get better Yassen… I know you'll heal completely. I know you will. For me you will."

Yassen… Is that his name? He wonders. But he can't find an answer. He thinks it is. But can he be sure? And why can't he be sure? How come he isn't sure? How come he can't … remember…? She had spoken in Russian. So he must be a Russian.

Cool hands trace the curves of his face. Out of reaction, instinct one can say, his hand reaches out and grabs the intruder of his domain. Another pain wave shoots through his body. But this time he ignores it. Vaguely he wonders how he can stand the pain and why he reacts the way he did. Yet something inside him tells him his life depends on such reactions.

Opening his eyes he sees a red haired woman before him. It is her. The one he thought about when he first heard the voice… He slowly lets go of her hand.

Still… There is something strange. Apart from the fact that he seems to have lost his memory. Something is not right. There is a piece that isn't fitting in the puzzle. A puzzle he can't form yet.

"Yassen, you still there…?"

He opens his eyes again. It is only now that he realises that he has subconsciously closed them.

Now that he hears her voice again, he remembers what she has said earlier.

_For me you will._

One can interpret it as dominance. Yet one way or another he knows that he will never tolerate to have someone above him. To have someone who controls him. So… Would it have been love? It didn't sound like she cared…

"Da…"

It were only a couple of seconds after she asked that he answered.

Turning his head away from her, he looks out of the window. He can't keep on looking at her. An impassive face, with eyes as hard as stone. No, she didn't care…

His blue orbs catch the dark sky, the brilliant stars and the white full moon. A full moon. It meant something to him. It still awakens a special feeling inside of him. It meant something important. But what?

Suppressing an impatient groan, he closes his eyes again. Should he say something? No, what would she care…?

With only frustration in his mind, he falls asleep. An uneasy slumber.

- - -

The snow was crisping under his feet. His breathing was soft, unnoticeable. Except for the steps that were heard on the snow, you would not know that he was there.

He was dressed in black. Completely in black. Just like the night. There were no stars, no moon. Darkness. A night were actually, you don't want to be out in. Yet he was. He had no choice. It was his job…

You would not think of him that he would be dangerous. Yet he was. His slender form hid the force that he possessed rather well.

The cold steal of his knife against his skin reminded him time and time again why he was here, what his job was. He hated what he was going to do. What they ordered him to do. He was not the type of guy to let himself be controlled by others. Yet with his work, he had no other choice. No other choice but to obey orders. And this was his first assignment. His first solo mission. He could not afford to fail. Failing simply wasn't an option. He knew that. Accepted that when he started his training.

Training… It seemed so long ago… Yet now here he was. Ready to do what he was told to do. Without hesitation, without questioning.

There was no turning back now. He could never go back to how it was before. Never… Not that he wanted to… But still. It was a strange thought. Leaving everything behind, without being able to look back on it. Abandoning everything… Yet from now on, that would be his life. No security. Nothing to lean on. If you fall, you have to get up alone… Or not at all… His life would be one of uncertainty. One of risks, of danger, of … Death…

-

His heart stopped beating. For only a second. His breath hitched. There was a lump in his throat. Something inside him cracked. He had done it. Mission accomplished. But he did not feel the satisfaction so many other guys had told him about. He just felt the loath for what he had done. He was just happy to still be alive… There had been no thrill about what he was about to do. There was just acceptance. Acceptance and a far away presence of fear.

At the moment though it had felt so natural. Sneaking in the house, finding the man, throwing the knife… If you hear it like that it sounded easy. And that was exactly what he had thought. That it was going to be easy. That he had been able to handle it. That he was ready. But that was exactly where he was wrong. He was not ready. You could never be ready…

He had taken someone's life. Destroyed something that lived…

And they say the second time is easier. That will probably be true. And after a while you will not bother anymore that you've taken a life. You'll become cold. You'll become used to it… But you'll never be ready. You'll never be free…

- - -

Blue eyes slowly open. There has nothing happened so you could have noticed that he woke up. His heartbeat is steady, calm. As is his breathing. Nothing shows the turmoil of feelings that race inside of him.

What was that? A nightmare? Yes, it has to be one. He would never kill someone. He can't be so cold… Or can he? Has he been like that? Is he…?

Closing his eyes again he firmly banishes the thought. Afraid that it might have been true. Yet he can feel it inside. Every thing inside him tells him that it was a nightmare. But a nightmare that has really happened.

He doesn't get it. Has he really been that way?

He shivers, suppressing the urge to shout out loud. He doesn't get it. The man in the nightmare… That wasn't him. He can't be that way. He totally isn't like that. He can't ever be able to kill.

The door opens silently and he opens his eyes. It is that woman again. And with her is a guy.

Old. Gray, almost white hair. Green eyes. Glasses. The body of a man that used to be a top athlete, but that now isn't maintained anymore. There's no doubt about it. He used to be a dangerous man.

Although he is confused about his trail of thoughts, he doesn't show it. How can he read the man like this? After all, he has never seen him before. Or has he? Somewhere in a past he can't remember… It has to be because of training. Like it showed in the nightmare.

"Yassen… You're awake. Good."

She doesn't sound happy though.

He doesn't answer. Knowing that it is not requested.

"My dear boy… What have they done…"

Once more he doesn't react. If one would pure listen to the words, one could say the man is worried, sorry for what has happened. Whatever it is. But he isn't like that. There is so much more than just the words some one says. And he knows it. There is body language, intonation of the voice, the eyes… And that is just where it goes wrong with this man. He doesn't look as if he cares. His green eyes are cold. Like a snake's orbs. Treasonous… The voice, just like the eyes is stripped of all emotion. No, this man doesn't care either.

What is this? Where is this? Who are they? Who is… he?

The man sets himself on a chair. Taking a map out of his black brief-case.

"What do you remember?"

He shakes his head softly.

"Nothing…"

His voice is steady and the Russian word feels natural. For less than a second he thought he had seen a wicked, victorious glint in those green eyes. But when he blinked it had vanished. Imagination? Probably…

"My name is Ivan."

After saying that, his hand takes a picture out of the map.

"Do you recognize him…?"

If one listens carefully, and he does, heaven knows why but he does, one could hear some hope shimmering through…

Another shake of the head.

A smiling face. Blond hair. A bit darker than his own. Blue-gray eyes. Something familiar, yet at the same time far away and dangerous.

Should he know him? Was he a friend? Damn these questions…

"His name is Ian… Ian Rider…"

Ivan's voice broke his thoughts. Ian… No it didn't ring a bell. But then again, neither did Ivan's name…

"He's cause of your memory loss…"

He looks up at him. Surprise clearly written all over his face. It must be the first time since he woke up that he shows any sign of emotion.

The cause?

"He fired the bullet. Luckily for you he didn't do his job good. He missed your heart, and hit your left shoulder instead."

His hand automatically went up to said place.

"The wound should be healed by now. You've been in a sort of coma ever since we found. Almost a month until you finally woke up."

He closes his eyes for a couple of seconds. This is too much…

"Unfortunately, the force of the impact sent you flying backwards. You knocked your head against a rock when you fell down. That is the reason of your memory loss as well as the coma."

He looks back at the picture that's now lying almost forgotten on the bed sheets. So this man… He seems so friendly though… Far away he notices Ivan get up.

"I think it best if we let you rest now. To give you the time to think about all this information."

Without another glance they both turn and walk. Out of the room. The photo still in his hands.

- - -

He's sitting in the helicopter. A determinant grim on his face. He'll get this right. The car beneath them is fast. Luckily a chopper can easily follow its track.

The man driving the vehicle must be good. The road isn't an easy one to drive on. But then again the man must be good in practically everything, for he is an MI6 agent, with the name Ian Rider… Sent out to kill him, almost six months ago. Yet on a miraculous way Ian failed miserably.

It is time…

Preparing his gun and himself, he signals the pilot to lower him down. The cord is tied tightly around his ankles.

For a second he doubts whether this is going to work. The dark blond haired man down there is a professional. He must notice that something is wrong. Must feel that something is about to happen…

His heart races. So this is him. The man who shot him. Who tried to kill him… The cause of his loss of memory. Finally he will see Ian in real. He will see him, a shocked expression on his face when the bullets are fired. He will be the only one to witness his target draw his very last breath.

Looking through the side window. He's sitting so close that he can almost touch his face, shouldn't the glass separate them.

He sees him turn his head. Eyes wide open. At that same moment he pulls the trigger. The first bullet is on his way to his prey. To kill… The others following soon on their deadly mission…

&TBC&


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Moshi mina-san! At last here is the second chapter… I'm so very sorry that it took me so long to write this...

Everything written in _italics _are _flashbacks! _

I'm going to give this story perhaps a little twist from what happened in the books/movie. I'm trying to keep close to the general lines, but I might miss or change some details (for my own flow of my story… :p)

I should also warn you, this chapter contains a lemon… So, don't like, don't read!

Oh yes, and UnstableDeuterium, I did not delete your review. I would never do such a horrible thing. I love reviews… Why would I throw them away…: ) And I am really glad that you liked the first chapter! I hope you're going to like this one too. : )

Anyway, on we go! Here is:

Chapter two: (Ian's POV)

03.00

The red numbers flash brightly in the dark room. I sigh softly. Sleep doesn't seem to come this night…

Still no news… It has been two weeks already. Not that he needs to call me everyday. Just once or twice a week…just to let me know he's okay. He knows I'm easily worried.

Rolling over to my other side, my eyes sadden. My body shivers. It misses the warmth of his skin, the feel of his arms.

Two weeks. Has something happened to him?

The second the thought crosses my mind, I can feel my stomach clench. My heart beats faster, my throat goes dry and in a strange way I can hardly seem to breathe… I hate this feeling.

Fear…

Even though I know that probably there is nothing to be scared of. After all, he's one of the best. He has been trained by the best.

A very small smile finds its way to my lips. We both have been trained by the same man. Although… Trained… He didn't really train us. Yet we still learned a hell of a lot just by watching him and working with him…

"Beep"

For a couple of seconds I freeze… Can it…?

Sitting up straight in my bed I reach for my cell phone. Yassen…

My face sets itself in its usual mask. Cold. Uncaring. Yet with a trace of sadness in my eyes.

Yet another mission. Yet another beginning of the day without any news of him.

I sigh, type my answer quickly and lay myself back down. Making up my mind, I decide to do some research. Starting within a few hours, when the sun rises.

I just need to know…

AaAaAa

Disappeared. It seems like he has vanished from the earth. Without a sign, without a word, without a trace. Gone…

Couldn't he even warn me? He trusts me, not? He could tell me if he had to hide…

Or has my worst fear become reality…? Is he…? Has he … Died?

No! Shaking my head furiously I close my eyes. His image so clearly in my mind. There is no way he is dead!

But the question remains. If he isn't, if he's still alive, where is he?

My eyes widen when another thought crosses my mind. Scorpia… Has he fallen in one of their traps? Do they know he's not really working with them? Did they found out about me? About… Us?

I don't even want to think about what they are going to do to him if they know… There are too many possibilities. All of them cruel and painful.

Once more my heart clenches with fear. I've brought so much more danger in his life…

-

"_Ian!" His gentle voice welcomes me._

"_John!" A warm hug._

"_It has been to long."_

_I can do nothing else but nod. It really has been. _

_We walk away from the private plane I just stepped out. I know he sees me limping. I know he won't question it. _

"_So, how's Helen?"_

_A smile on his face. "She's fine. Just dying to see her brother-in-law again…"_

_I laugh softly. Yeah… I missed you guys too._

_Anyone who passes by might find this a relaxed meeting between brothers. Yet neither of us is really at ease. We're both on our guard._

_My eyes turn to slits when I see a man approach us. Blond hair. Blue eyes. The body of a dancer. A dangerous aura around him. He can't even be older than twenty. Even though he has a mature look in his orbs._

_John's hand on my arm is a signal. He knows that man. And he tells me the man is okay. Yet it doesn't completely reassure me. There is no one I trust unless I've seen him worth my trust. Not because someone tells me he is trustworthy. Not even because John tells me. And I know my brother knows that. I know that he's the same._

"_Ian, this is Yassen. Yassen Gregorovich."_

_The man holds out his hand. He has a strong yet comfortable grip._

"_Nice to meet you."_

_His eyes are sparkling and his voice captivates me._

"_Same here."_

_The smile that graces his lips makes his face even more handsome. And younger still. _

_Far away I wonder how the two of them met. Is he a 'colleague'? Probably…_

_His name sounds Russian, yet there is not a trace of an accent when he speaks English._

_He's younger than us. So, that means John trains him…_

_It is only now that I notice the small bandage__around his neck._

_Looking at John again I see he's still smiling._

"_We worked together."_

_Ah. So, he trained him like he trained me. By working together and giving advice. By letting the boy watch him._

_Unnoticeable for other eyes, I shiver. There is something about him… Something I can't describe. Something that draws me to this young man. Yet at the same time I fear it. It's a feeling I've never known before. _

_Why did he bring him here? Does he trust him that much? Does he… love him?_

_I don't know why that last thought brings a stab of jealousy and pain to my heart. Hell, I don't even know why the though occurred to me…_

"_Ian, can he stay with you this week? He needs to recover from our mission. And if he stays with me, it will needlessly endanger him more."_

_I nod. "Of course."_

_So that's why. John's protecting him. It was a stupid thought of me. After all, he has Helen… Still, he does really trust him. To ask me to look after him…_

_-_

_He's been in my house for three days now. We've talked a lot. Nothing personal, but still… We've learned a lot about each other. Trivial things, nothing important, yet things that do mean something to either of us. _

_I smile. I actually enjoy this. His company, our talks. Just his mere presence is enough. _

_A soft sigh escapes my lips. What has he done to me? What is he doing to me still? _

_I lower my head on my hands. _

_His sudden hand on my shoulder makes me flinch. How come I didn't hear him enter my room? I didn't even feel, didn't even notice him approach._

_Is he so good, or have I lowered my guard? Was I, am I too relaxed? _

"_Something wrong?"_

_I shake my head once and turn to face him. He sounds worried. And when our eyes meet, I'm surprised by the worry I find in them. Why would he care so much?_

_I don't think he believes my denial._

"_Don't lie to me Ian…"_

_Is that pain in his voice? _

_His face is sad. I've never seen him like that. Mentally I shake my head. What am I thinking? I've only known the man for three days… _

_Why does he have such a great influence on me, on my thoughts, on my… heart?_

_Gentle fingers trace my cheek and I paralyze. Holding my breath. I know he can see a far away presence of fear on my face. Yet there is an even bigger sign of anticipation. What will he do? What will I do?_

"_Ian…"_

_His voice is soft, rough even. It's the first time I hear anyone say my name like that. It makes butterflies roam through my belly, my heart flutters in my chest. I've never known the feeling, but now that I feel it, I know I'll keep longing for it. And I love it, yet at the same time I fear it. Because I am a spy. A working tool for MI6. I can't afford to fall in love. Certainly not with a person as dangerous as him…_

_Slowly he inches his face closer towards mine. I can already feel his breath on my lips. And I know I am blushing like mad._

_Almost out of its own will my hand reaches up to lay itself against his chest. I can feel his heartbeat race way to fast. He's just as nervous as I am. A very small, almost unnoticeable smile graces my lips. Ah, those youthful… Willing to take the risk. _

_Even though he is trained not to show anything, I can see a flash of disappointment in his eyes when he's stopped by my action. _

_The rational part of me tells me that I just did the right thing. Yet somehow it saddens me. And arching pain in my chest. _

_Slowly I can feel him pull away. His hand has left my face and has fallen limply to his side. _

_No. I don't want him to go away. Not now, not ever…_

_Reaching out farther, my hand grabs his white T-shirt. I can see his eyes widen and I'm a bit shocked myself by my impulsive reaction. I mentally smirk. What a deep effect he has on me… _

_Gently I bring our two faces together. He won't reject me. And I know I can't push him away anymore._

_I shudder when cold lips touch mine. He smiles and I close my eyes to heighten the sensation. _

_Far away in my mind I know that this move is going to cause us a lot of trouble. It will bring much more danger to our lives. It might even cause both our deaths…_

_He puts more pressure on my lips and I moan softly._

_My other hand travels up to bring his head closer still. Mouths open. Tongues meet._

_His hands are gripping my shoulders, bringing our bodies closer to each other. Longing for more contact. In return my arms sneak around his waist. _

_He's still moving closer and eventually he ends up sitting on my lap. _

_Gently he pushes me backwards and I lay myself on my bed, bringing him down with me. _

_There is nothing I can do or say now to stop either of us. Not that I would want that._

_His hands are busy with the buttons of my vest. His lips occupied with my neck. The moment his cold hands touch my skin I gasp and moan deep in my throat. It feels amazing._

_I can feel his smirk vibrating against my chest and through my body._

_Hmm… Is this right? I smile when his mouth works its way downwards. I think I can be satisfied with being bottom for the moment. As long as he doesn't expect me to stay it…_

_"Aargh…"_

_My eyes roll back and my breathing hitches. My hands reach for his head, guiding its movements._

_I can't believe it. I didn't even notice him loosening my trousers. _

_His mouth is heaven, his tongue skilful… It's like a fire that's ragging through me. I can't control myself. _

_"No, not yet… Not yet…"_

_My voice is rough when I gently remove his head from between my legs. Tilting his face back upwards I hungrily capture his soft lips into a soaring kiss. _

_I whisper against his lips. _

_"Take me Yassen."_

_His eyes look surprised in my own. And after finding nothing but thrust and anticipation in them he nods. _

_Reaching over for his bag, he takes out a tube of lotion. My hands busy caressing his chest and back. _

_I gasp softly when his finger enters me. He places butterfly kisses all over my face. And after a couple of second he adds a second and a while later a third digit. _

_Our eyes meet and his fingers leave my body. A soft grunt escapes my lips at the feeling of loss. His lips firmly descend on mine while he enters me. I gasp in his mouth, my hands gripping his shoulders, nails definitely leaving marks there._

_Within no time we have found a comfortable rhythm to rock together. He's nipping my neck while my fingers still hold onto his back. My eyes are closed and I try hard not to scream at the enormous pleasure that is roaring through me._

_His mouth abandons my skin so he can look at me._

"_Ian… Open your eyes…"_

_His voice is so husky that I can do nothing else but obey. His blue orbs are captivating. And I feel I'm losing myself in them._

"_Let me hear your voice Ian… Please…"_

_My eyes close themselves again and I turn my head away. My whole body trembling. A firm blush on my cheeks._

"_Yassen…"_

_His hips start to move faster. And I cannot hold back the moan deep in my throat. _

"_Aargh…"_

_I cannot hold back anymore. The feeling becoming to much to handle. _

"_Ah… Yes, harder. Faster! … Yassen!!"_

_My teeth biting down on his shoulder to prevent me from crying out loud when I feel my release rush through me. _

"_Aargh… Ian!!!"_

_The clenching of my inner walls bring him to come few seconds after me. He falls on top of me. Both our breathings laboured. _

_After a couple of seconds he wants to get up again, yet my arms reach out around him and pull him back down. I don't want to lose this feeling already. Not yet. I want to keep his warmth, his scent close to me just for a moment longer._

"_Please… Stay inside me. Just for a little while longer…"_

_He smiles when he gently places his lips on mine again. _

_It is a comforting feeling. His heartbeat against mine. It is reassuring to feel his weight on top of me. _

_Don't leave me Yassen. I know that our jobs won't make this any easier, but don't leave me. _

"_Let me stay with you Ian."_

_His voice is so soft that I barely missed it. Looking back up to me I can see he is perfectly serious. So, he isn't planning on leaving my side. _

_I can't help the silly grin that reaches my lips._

"_I'm not planning on letting you go any time soon!"_

_That's true Yassen. Let's stay together. Let's give it a try. I'll never leave you. We'll always be at each other's side._

-

I look down at the map before me on the table. My mission. No time, no place to worry about him…

It starts tonight…

AaAaAa

(Two weeks later)

I wonder how Alex and Jack are.

Sighing softly, I inwardly curse my job. The boy needs a father. And I'm never there… After John died, I took him in. I promised to take care of him. He was just a baby.

A sad smile appears. I've never told him, but I'm quite fond of the kid. I don't think he realises that. I love him as my own son.

Perhaps I should talk with him tonight when I arrive back home. Let him know that I do care… And perhaps I should finally tell him the truth. About John, about me, about our work, about… Yassen…

Yassen… Four weeks. Still no news. I've found nothing. And he didn't contact me, in any way…

I put on the CD player. Loud… Not wanting to think about anything. Least of all the two men, can I call Alex a man already?, I just thought about. The mere thought of them brings fear and pain to my heart. Mixed with pride and love. It just hurts too much to think about them…

I'm driving to fast. Way to fast. However, the sooner I'm gone form this place, the better. There is nothing that still waits for me here. Nothing but a certain death. And that is one thing I can't allow to happen. Dying without having seen him one last time…

The road I'm driving is dangerous, yet not for me. My mind is so far away that I'm practically driving on automatic pilot. Not paying attention to anything.

I didn't hear the chopper. I didn't notice the man hanging outside, right next to me. Not until it was to late.

Looking aside my blue-grey eyes catch familiar blue orbs. I almost smile. Yet there is no recognition in them. They are cold. Set on killing.

He raises the gun and there is nothing I can do. For a moment I'm too stunned to react. And I know that it is going to be the death of me.

How ironic. I didn't want to die before seeing him one last time. And now I see him. And he's going to be the last thing I'll ever see. Because he's going to be the one who kills me… Somewhere it doesn't bother me. Somewhere I'm glad he's going to be the one to pull the trigger. Somewhere it all fits.

It all passes in a second before he fires the first bullet. The others soon following. There is still so much I want to tell him…

TBC...

AN: please, tell me what you think of it!!


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